Friday, February 20, 2009

What a Waste of Skin

Trailer Park Boys, Mr. Lahey: "You know, he grew up as a little shit-spark from the old shit-flint. And then he turned into a shit-bonfire and then driven by the winds of monumental ignorance, he turned into a raging shit-firestorm. If I get to be married to Barb i'll have total control of Sunnyvale, and then I can unleash a shitnami tidal wave that'll engulf Ricky and extinguish his shit-flames forever. And with any luck, he'll drown in the undershit of that wave. Shit-waves."

Human shit. It's gross to us, it's fecal to us, it's innate to us. Everybody poops. We unfortunately must go through walks of shame, courtesy flushes, launch a watermelon or use the strategic, camo-cough, but it is always in good humor - everyone does it!! Who doesn't enjoy a good fart joke now and then? Fart jokes can be simple and hilarious without not a word spoken - silent and deadly - they can also be dramatic, as if the Heismann Trophy itself was paying homage to the great digestive tract.


We begin the process of poop with a little nutrition - what we eat. An average human body ingests about 2,500 calories a day. The average body expends roughly 4,000 kJ in a day. In all of this transformative mess, the body ingests food, and turns the calorific food energy into transmittable heat and body energy. The heat energy we expend is transmitted to the atmosphere at our 37.8 degree Celsius bodies.

It all begins with a smell - the odorous olfactory nerves twitch with the excitement of being woken up - the unfamiliar alien vapours infiltrate the cavities of the body, triggering the cerebral nature of our beasts - we smell bacon... we drool. The puddles collect in our potters, ready for the next step to this trip to heaven - our taste buds. Quickly, the greases penetrate the rough patches of the tongue twisting twaddle of twenty twinkled twitches - sending more nirvanic blasts to the brain. In all the excitement, the twist of the tongue shoots the pork-pulled platypus down it's hole, ready to be savoured by the body graciously.

As the twisted lumps of biologically enhanced matter splashdown into Cape Canaveral, the rocket engines fire - as the epiglottis direct traffic from main control in Houston. Here, the native beings of our bodies begin their religious right - Houston called for enzymatic and acidic support of the lost cargo. Here in the bowels of the stomach, our great defender, Pepsin, armed with a ceremonial vial of destruction, horde off the invading microorganisms hiding in the deeps of the lost cargo - no Trojan surprises on this voyage...

Once the embattled cargo has passed through the gates of glutton, a long, slow voyage through the intestines, both small and large, begins the celebratory capture of the infiltrating alien matter. The fats of our urges, met with bile, while all the nutrients our body craves, heaps mercilessly from the pile by enzymes and transported to through the body to generate our energy. All a seamless masterpiece and homage to the gods in Houston.

The average human body poops about 0.36 kg, or 0.8 lbs. For every thousand people, that's 360 kg, or 800 lbs. Thankfully, my olfactory nerves are nowhere near smelling anything right now, so here goes - poop steams heat - poop generates gases - poop came from our bodies - poop is not disgusting and poop can be very, very useful. One thing I have never done, is experiment with my own poop - you can thank my mother for teaching me those lessons - but on average, most organic material on our planet contains about 4000 kJ/kg of material, energy which is transferable to heating homes and lighting light bulbs. What's more, is that poop is normally mixed with paper, and water - two vital ingredients to the magical transformation of decomposition - carbon and aqua. With these ingredients, the concoction can be stirred and digested to transform our poop into biogas and fertilizers - no fuss - no muss - no puss - wam, bam, thank you mam! So if we can generate poop - we can think that we generate our own heat and energy source - ah shit!!! For every 5 people, that would be 7,200 kJ - or enough energy to heat about 20% of your home (~40,000 kJ per day for home heating). Imagine that - you take a dump in the morning, and some of your energy bill is paid off! Holy shit...

"Who... even in this whole world, doesn't have problems? Who doesn't have a drink too many times once in a while and maybe even winds up passed out in their own driveway, pissing themselves? Who doesn't drink too much sometimes or who doesn't have a puff from time to time. And who doesn't have problems with the people they love? This is our home. This is our community." - Mr. Lahey

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